It sounded very simple when I told my friends when they were sad, "Some things just are not for us."
I now realize that the trouble is accepting the saddest thing at the moment. When we want someone, or something so much, it's just hard. I had thought myself it was for me. I felt it was.
I had mostly forgotten about Nickson. Really, it wasn't him anymore. I even got to thinking miracles do happen, and one has happened to me. But I've also come to accepting that it hasn't yet - though it will, sometime - and I saw the even greater things I have, and I must be happy.
I told every guy I was supposed to go with this school dance to go with their first choice. The same goes for him.
At least he's going to be happy. Everyone's going to be happy.
It never occurred to me that I will end up like this, and that just makes me laugh. At least I'm happier now.
Today he says hi to me, waves, and smiles at me. His smile is so wonderful. It's so sweet, so cute. When said hi to me, it looked like his smile was sincere, pure - it was real.
Even if it wasn't.
But he did look like he meant it.
I'm kind of sad it didn't happen, our supposed to be "marriage" in the Marriage Booth. I felt the kind of feeling I get before I speak in front of people, or do something in front of many people. My knees were weak,a weird feeling in my stomach and the want to just back out, but still stay.
It's surprised me that he was very friendly. He willingly smiled at my friends' cameras, and so I did too.
I still wonder at this. Is he really just friendly or did he enjoy that much the feeling that someone is interested in him? I have been told that since then, he had only gotten cockier. But I don't mind - if I am causing someone's confidence to boost, it's okay. What will happen when he knows he only looks like Nick?
During the past two quarters, I've lost myself. I feel I have. I don't write the same way anymore. I have lost the deep, wordy me and I have replaced them with random, witty ones.
And I can't read. I can read absolutely nothing. It just doesn't get into me. I don't understand them at all anymore.
And I don't listen to anything in particular. I knew what sound I'd wanted to hear, having had enough of rock music the past year, and enough of Japanese music the previous summer.
And I miss so many things. I miss this, I miss manga, I miss the songs I listen to, how they make me me and even how fast I memorize the lyrics to songs. I miss singing alone.
I know I heard somewhere memories are lonely things. The moment I hear the first strums of the guitar feelings of melancholy and glee floods inside my chest. It makes me close my eyes, breathe, and when I open them, they are brimmed with tears.
I remember the time when I didn’t feel exactly the way I wanted to be. Things didn’t turn out the way I wished. So much hate and people hating.
Words. Messenger. Sand. Codes. The time of my life.
She must be wondering what I am being kind for. All I really wanted was to get noticed. And that is all there is to my harsh words.
I can't believe that July has passed without a single entry from me since my Mister Yoso entry, wherein I announced my come back.
Heh, look at people. Be nice to them, and they will think you'd die to be their friend. They back away, freaked, and realize: "Hey, she wants to be friends with me." So they attempt to win you again, and start being nicer to you. Too bad, I already put you on my Hate list - wohoo!
But meh, we've both looked down on each other, actually.
January and February 2010 - I'm fine. I was going all emo, but my posts were fine. March 2010 - My posts were still fine, but I was better off gone. April 2010 - I was still alive, posting every now and then but I was still better off on hiatus. May 2010 - And I completely disappeared for good. June 2010 - I had something to say, but I was too busy succumbing off attention and love from the half-tangible company I found... because the past year had been too awful. And by this time, I had been juggling two lives. July 2010 - Now I definitely had something to say, but I was too busy with my lives.
But here I am now. Sticking to Blogger, and personal blogging, and I still love you all.
I'd meet him We'd see a thin line shimmering in front of us That's like our own "point of light above each other's shoulder"
Black and White Never goes out of style It's timeless, a classic - it's just so right
And the line was a thread that thickens over time Binds us together We'd cross the borders of being friends, and even being in love - we'd be one
Strive for us Keep up with each other Keep each other up
I rushed that poem for TLE class earlier today. I don't really write poems, but I surprisingly liked that one.
Honestly, I have been careless about my grammar lately. It even came to the point when I got confused, and it took me time to decide what to use. Because my grammar is failing me. Even now that school has started. T^T
(And, I have to let go of the smileys to bring back my "ability to provoke emotion" using only words, punctuation marks, dashes and caps.)
She is a kid going through challenges her (still) dull life has for her. There was 'James', 'TC', Prom, 'Nickson' and 'Nickson's' look-alike, being in the first section during her third year, disappointments, achievements, hopes -- this is basically her diary, people. AREN'T YOU HAPPY OR HONORED OR BORED?